Makke schapen

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Ook ik volg als een mak schaap alle regels, die aan de wet schuldsanering zijn verbonden,  trouw op. Waarom gedragen we ons eigenlijk als makke schapen? Sinds ik in de schuldsanering zit, weet ik het antwoord. Leven in armoede is, op de dood na, de grootste angst van mensen en nu ik armlastig ben, begrijp ik waarom. Je verliest je vrienden, je zelfrespect en je werk. Als beurshandelaar had ik het gevoel ergens bij te horen en iemand te zijn en dat mis ik nu. Ik heb geen geld meer en geen uitzicht op een nieuwe baan. Alles wat ik verdien, wordt me direct afgenomen. Daardoor sta ik letterlijk buiten de samenleving en voel ik me nutteloos. Het is een nauwelijks onder woorden te brengen gevoel als je op een maandagmiddag doelloos door de stad zwerft, terwijl iedere andere man of vrouw van mijn leeftijd zijn of haar bijdrage kantoorruimte almere levert aan het opbouwen en in stand houden van onze maatschappij. Misschien moet ik iets met vrijwilligerswerk gaan doen, maar daar ben ik het type niet voor.
Vrienden en familie komen nauwelijks meer over de vloer. Ik schaam me voor mijn leefsituatie en dat doet pijn. De telefoon staat standaard op voicemail en als er aan de deur wordt gebeld, doe ik niet open uit angst dat daar weer een postbode met een aangetekende brief staat. Zo houd ik mijn vrienden en familie buiten de deur en worden onze sociale contacten dus tot een minimum beperkt. Alleen Kathleen heeft nog wat contacten op de universiteit en gaat af en toe weg met vriendinnen. Voor haar is het echter zwaar dat ze financieel niet meer kan meekomen met haar vriendinnen. Ondanks mijn depressieve gevoelens probeer ik zo positief mogelijk te blijven. Als ik mezelf en Kathleen niet opkalefater, draaien we helemaal door. Niet alleen ik, maar ook Kathleen kampt nu met slapeloze nachten. Ze piekert constant over de dag van morgen en ze krijgt geen rust meer in haar kop, wat haar radeloos maakt. Dat heeft een negatief effect op haar studieresultaten en het gebrek aan slaap maakt haar sikkeneurig en opvlie
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gend, wat niet bij haar karakter past. Het is een kant die ik helemaal niet kende van Kathleen. Ik voel me vooral schuldig naar haar toe; hoe heb ik in mijn hebzucht naar meer, meer en nog eens meer in hemelsnaam zo onverantwoordelijk kunnen handelen? Hoe langer ik in de schuldsanering zit, des te prominenter deze vraag opspeelt.

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